I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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