i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
