I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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