i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Four minutes until I can fart!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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