Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
