Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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