Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
