I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Damn victory sex feels great
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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