hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
