yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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