Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
