I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
