i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
