there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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