Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
