dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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