The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
