Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
