just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
