Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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