He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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