I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
