my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
