Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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