The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
