i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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