My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Randomize
