you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
