I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How does one acquire holy water?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
