Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
