Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
