i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
