theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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