i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
