Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
