u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
