how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
