U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
