If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
