TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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