He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
