clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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