Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
