The best revenge is premature balding
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just invented taco cereal.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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