i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
