My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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