shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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