actually, I'm a sock model
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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