you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
