K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
